Millions of You Will Never Work Again
According to the New York Times, a shit ton of us may be fucked. Long story short, the economy is barely growing and isn’t adding jobs fast enough to reabsorb all us unemployed losers into the workforce. And by the time things finally get moving again, our skills will be too outdated and rusty for the modern workplace! Which I totally disagree with – I may not have worked in almost four years, but I can still masturbate in a bathroom stall as silently as I ever could.
What are some possible solutions being floated around Washington? Cutting unemployment, for one. Makes sense – if we’re not going to contribute to the bottom line, might as well cut us off entirely and usher us off to early deaths. Step two of this plan calls for sending a horse-drawn cart around the country so that as we unemployed expire one by one over the coming months, our gainfully employed betters can drag our corpses out to the curb when the cart comes by and throw them in the back.
After reading the above article, I went ahead and prepared for homelessness. The pic above is my new entertainment center – I found a really good steam vent just behind the sewage treatment center at the edge of town. Come see me next week, I’ve got some oranges-and-cabbage moonshine fermenting in a garbage can and it should be ready by then. We’ll get rip-roaring drunk and then stagger downtown at rush hour to “ask” squares for change. Make sure you bring ID, the moonshine sometimes induces blindness and if you stagger into traffic, the paramedics may need to contact your next of kin to make sure they’ll pay for defibrillation.
